HOUSTON TX ~ In a tersely worded lawsuit filed this morning in U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Texas, Roger “The Rocket” Clemens, cites the so-called “James Clapper Exception,” for the proposition that in 2005, then-Oversight Committee Chairman, Henry Waxman “omitted to inform me of ‘The Apology Option.'”
Clemens’ action comes at the worst possible time for a legislature already suffering from considerable anxiety now that Edward Snowden has demonstrated to would-be whistleblowers that shortly after exposing widespread, institutional corruption, they can reside — rent free — next to the Cinnabon at European airports.
Clemens’ lawyers note that while their client never took growth hormones, “he would have been a fool not to at least consider lying truthfully to Congress, by simply apologizing, thereby avoiding the specter of prison time and being branded a felon.”
Instead, the seven time Cy Young winner spent seven years and millions of dollars clearing his name in the wake of his voluntary 2005 testimony at a congressional hearing titled: “Restoring Faith in America’s Pastime.”
“It was 2012 before I was finally acquitted after two criminal trials!” Clemens fumed between bites of artificial turf.
Clemens’ lawyers — who have cleverly retained DNI James Clapper as an expert to “clue us in as to how shit really works” — have charged congressional members with 435 individual counts of “Eat My Shorts.”
Asked for his reaction to the two time World Series champion’s latest pitch, current Oversight Committee Chairman, Congressman Darrell Issa, says you can’t compare the two cases.
James Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence, lied to Congress about the multi-billion dollar security and surveillance state’s unilateral and unconstitutional revocation of the Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Roger Clemens is a retired baseball player. See what I’m saying?
With a squint heretofore reserved for major league hitters, the fired up 11 time all-star vowed: “By the time I’m through, Congress will be living at the airport!”